Liturgical Pet Peeve #1

Jack Wernette, my high school drama teacher, was a bit of a character (pun somewhat intended).

In addition to a quick wit combined with a deadpan comedic style, Mr Wernette was full of hints, tips, and advice—each nugget of which, regardless of what it actually was or whether he had brought the particular subject up before, was consistently referred to as "The First Rule of the Theater":

"Remember not to turn your back on the audience. First Rule of the Theater."

"Always cross upstage of another actor who's speaking. First Rule of the Theater."

"Be sure to show up at rehearsals on time. First Rule of the Theater."

In tribute to Jack Wernette's First Rules of the Theater, and so I don't have to keep track of what number I'm on, I offer you my series of Liturgical Pet Peeves #1. Today's LPP #1: The Movie Credit Mass.

This type of Mass appears most often in conjunction with sappy, narcissistic ditties and a regular appearance by someone whom, depending on circumstances, I like to refer to as "Touchdown Tillie" (think of the football official's signal) or "Lady Liberty" (use your imagination). A Movie Credit Mass goes something like this:


A layperson (often a reader) steps to the ambo just before Mass is scheduled to start and says "Good morning" into the microphone, which is attached to a much-too-loud sound system.

"Good morning," responds the congregation.

The layperson continues. "Welcome to St Looney-up-the-Cream-Bun-and-Jam Catholic Community. Today is the Thirteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time. Today's Mass is being offered for Suzie Kew and the Thompson twins. Our presider this morning is Monsignior Chuck, assisted by Deacon Howie. The readers are Elvira Gulch and Marvin Marshan. Our musicians today are Jimmy Heinrichs, David Hogan-Hoss, and Brittany Spires; Brittany will also cantor the Responsorial Psalm. The Eucharistic ministers [sic] are (long list of names follows). Our altar servers today are (names half the kids in the congregation). Please remember to turn off your cellphones. Have a nice day, and God bless."

You'd think that, if they're going to go to such lengths to include everyone and his grandma in this spiel, they'd at least put something like this on the front of the parish bulletin:

Saint Looney-up-the-Cream-Bun-and-Jam Parish

presents

a Holy Spirit production

based on a concept by God the Father

The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass

starring

Jesus Christ as Himself

...naah, that'd take away from recognizing the efforts of everyone who worked so hard on today's Mass.